a paleontologist joke I'm SUPER Serious!

***CUTESY WOOTSY PICTURE AT BOTTOM****

I'm not saying she's old, (pause) but shes the first woman EVER to grow a fern!

if you're a paleontologist, you're laughing like hell right now. it's okay. feel no shame. you're welcome.
if you are Not a Paleontologist:*see, the point of the joke here is the word 'fern.' a paleontologist would know that the fern plant is one of the oldest living plants, going back to the Carboniferous period. the joke with-in the joke is the fact that it's not Paleolithic at all!! /And a paleontolist would know that what we know as modern ferns appeared the Cretaceous period!!!! and while i'm at it:Never get into a land war in Asia!!! i have just come to the realization that most likely, in all recorded time, NEVER has so much time been spent on writing a paleontologist joke.  i also realize the only people to truly relate to all levels of the joke are the same people that had posters of Rinchen Barsbold or their walls as teens.  ***twitch/blink-blink/tweektwitch***   sorry for the drift. and...meds kick in.

i"I'm not sayin' the guy's odd; but when he shaves he holds the razor still and moves his FACE around!
                            Better? 

                sorry i been away, been gettin yelled at by methadone users. really. so it goes.
be back next time with a joke about a man that poos gold and pees gasoline-warn ya now: might be in the form of country music lyrics. for this i will apologize in advance. sorry.

the perfect food

HOT DOG FLAVORED POTATO CHIPS. YES, THE DREAM LIVES! at the store, in the chip aisle (hello old friends). making the bi-weekly Bugles-or-Funyuns argument in my head...at this moment, a dim green glow lit from the shelf to my left. a glance turned into a trance...the green glow grew brighter, and brighter still...the glow of the green shimmering bag of SHEARERS' RIPPLED HOME RUN HOT DOG FLAVORED POTATO CHIPS. the only edible word in the previous sentence is 'potato.' Got a vegetarian/junk food vibe workin? the dream product now exists. only in America! crappy food that tastes like DIFFERENT crappy food-ON PURPOSE! these are truly wonderous times we live in. *btw-zero grams of transfats, beetches! (truthcheck-i really don't know what transfats are. or do)

you're wrong about some sports, America!

sorry again about the delay between posts, but the Tour De France is on...No, I'm not joking in the slightest. please notice the time spent to capitalize the name of the event. It must be a big deal to me. it is. Moreso that France is involved; said it before and i'll say it to anyone that cares: don't like france. (notice the lack of capitalization) You don't think cycling is a sport? we'll get to that. Love bike riding...Love the race back before the Greg Lemond days; i go back to the jonathan Boyer days. (old dusty fart fx) For an American without cable, it was pretty damn difficult. there was a time my bike was worth twice the value of my car.

sidenote re: Lance Armstrong: he's still got the ace of having never been knowingly busted-and-he stuck it to the french 7 times over! I don't care if there's video of him shoving horse steriods up his butt while Cheryl Crow sings, I don't care if he came out tomorrow and said 'yep, i did it.' (sidenote: historically, 2 sports have been the frontrunners in performance-inhancing chemistry/track -and- wait for it.....Cycling)

where was I? oh right, Lance Armstrong can eat an entire Mexican Pharmacia on live tv, and i can only say one thing while watching: Hey france! Up yours, ya snail-eatin' surrender monkeys! The most famous frenchman to most Americans is Lebeau from Hogans Heros( nor relation to H.O.F. Dick Lebeau) Lance Armstrong lets me say that. God bless you Lance, God bless you.

Now, for those that think cycling isn't a sport, go out and get your bike out of the shed. Got it? Good.
go ahead and climb on...now ride from Pittsburgh to Erie. Add enough mountain so speeds of over 40 mph are reached right before you miss a turn, go through a ditch, and end up in the woods with a broken femur. Not a sport? After stage 8, Radio Shacks' Chris Horner was told he finished the stage. he finished the stage after sustaining a concussion and broken nose with from a crash with 23 miles remaining. His response? 'I finished?' The doctors wouldn't let Horne:r start Stage 9. Just as well; in addition to the broken femur, there were a few concussions, a broken shoulder, couple broken collarbones, broken wrist, several broken ribs.all in one day..Not a Sport?
Sport number 2: for all that claim soccer isn't a sport: as i sit and type this, i do so without my two front teeth. true, i wuz never a looker anyway, and the Deliverance look don't help. not to worry, the fake ones ah had whittled look reeel purty. why am i talking about my West Virginny Smile? the damage was done in a soccer game. SOCCER. Manly injury means Manly Sport.
In a case of chauvinistic irony: don't give a damn about the womens' world cup. lifes a quandry

commercials are fun

just saw a tv commercial that has America written all over it! If you (or a family member) have such a fat ass that your furniture is sagging, a brilliant piece of crap can help! FLAT PIECES OF PLASTIC (i'm sure they called it 'space age polimer' but i had the sound turned down so i cant confirm) You place the plastic slats between the cushion and frame of the sagging furniture in question. Crappy furniture is now good as new! Plastic lockable slats are now available to avoid either buying a new couch or putting down the fork, and I love everything about this. Everyone smells-so just cut off all the noses! My ass is massive-sturdy up the furniture! I pulled a muscle in my arm-don't put so much food on your fork. At one point in the commerical, they have two sumo wrestlers flop down on the couch to demonstrate the strength of the space age polimer, when they flop (and they DO flop), the words ONE THOUSAND POUNDS starts spinning around on the screen...no doubt a pleasant call from the casting director to the wrestling couch-manglers..."how fat are ya?" If you call now, the order of plastic slats is doubled. Better Hurry. the 2nd set of slats is free, just pay shipping and handling. Thats where they get ya.

did i dose off?

first things first-VERY sorry i haven't been around in a while. i was unavoidably detained. second-we have a winner in the "Annoy people you know by telling them about eddycrow.blogspot.com and proving it' contest. you remember, had a choice of old radio station logo stuff to choose from, and the winner annoyed over 100 e-friends on my behalf! he had his choice of stuff, we went down the list, and he chose the 'Limited Edition' Never Sold Anywhere WDVE Hockey Jersey! you have probably noticed that i haven't identified the winner; for reasons he's not allowed to explain, it is apparently vital that he remain anonymous. My first blog contest and the winner is in witness protection. nice. Anyway, congratulations 'guy not named steve', enjoy your jersey. sorry about the stains.

a chance to win sumthin' free

You wanna win beeg prize, sailer boi? you may or may not know this, but I used to work at WDVE in Pgh. As such, I have a CRAPLOAD of DVE logo stuff stuffing my closet shelves. to me, it's stuff in piles, but apparently to some it is highly prized collectable memorabilia. so it goes. Some of the items were never released to the listening public in any fashion-but I GOT'em. CRAZY!!! BUT HOLD ON!!!! (vapid cleavage heavy/intellect thin blond enters shot-she speaks): "You mean there's more?" (accompanying quizzical expression indicates thoughts of math) DOGGONE RIGHT there's more, and  now more can be YOURS!!~Here's what we gonna do, see: 1 week (7 days/168 hours)  EXACTLY from the time of this posting, whoever shows me the MOST evidence of passing the word about my blog to others is gonna WIN. The word is EDDYCROW.BLOGSPOT.com. You have 1 week to spread the word, the most people annoyed by you on my behalf will get you SOMETHING collectable. (don't worry, we'll work it out, it'll be something cool-jacket, hockey jersey, etc tbd- i wont be a douche and send an old urine and vomit stained morning show world tour t-shirt (but boy, could I) Anyone reading this is eligible to win, start hasslin' all you know about the blog, pass the word, enlighten the masses, workers of the world unite, Woody Guthrie song lyrics, you share the blog all you can, those people pass the word of eddycrow.blogspot.com, followers become leaders, the more followers come; then more,  then a pyramid scheme starts to fall into place: leaders and followers and anarchy-oh my! All my followers rise up at my command! I lead my followers and we will build a modern UTOPIA! I RULE THE WORLD! AHAHAHAHAHA! AAAIIIEEEeee...ahem, oh, uhm...scuse me. sorry about the dialin' it up there; i'm trying some new meds. now back to the lecture at hand:your chance to win collectable stuff from my closet and garage-remember; 7 days EXACTLY from the time of this posting.i'll even eat the postage, kuz i luv ya beotches. *judges decision is final/judge is me/arbitration is not available/no tagbacks*.tick...tock...tick...tock...NOW

                                                                      peace and love,
                                                                                                   ec
                                     


btw, MM! The only thing that looks as bad as Liverpools' record is Rooneys' Hairplugs. Sir A is such a git.     

a quote for thursday

"And another thing, Vonnegut! I'm stoppin payment on the check!" R.D. (Back to School)

twitter isn't AUTOMATICALLY for twits

sorry i haven't posted in a bit. been real busy interviewing security firms; seems someone maliciously hacked into my twitter account and used it to send a lewd foto to a 88 year old grandmother in Parma Ohio. while it is true i CANNOT say with complete certitude the photo ISN'T of me, I assure you i am not responsible for this bad prank, and i will not rest until i find out who committed this dastardly act. thank you for your support. i also promise to not call anyone from the media a jackass, but come on, if the donkey fits...

ec aka Senator Long Duk Dong



p.s. if anyone knows how to delete sent photos from an iphone retroactively, please get in touch. thx

quote of the day-words to live by

No matter how weird it got, it never got weird enough for me.        H.S.T.

caveman business meeting

Remember in the history of mankind when a good powerpoint presentation meant you killed something with a spear and got to eat it? 'Grog like fiscal outlook this quarter. ug' *chomp*

dog upkeep

Just got back from picking up Nixin. Nixin is a dog, a Japanese Chin. How that's not redundant i don't know, but apparently it's not. Nixin got detailed before extended family arrive for the holiday weekend. Nixin costs more to get detailed than my car does. Just because they call it 'Grooming'  an 11 pound pile of fur and snot haircut is 3 times as much as a grown man. (snot variable 2.7) Give the groomer her due, he did smell much better. Much. On the drive home i draped him over the rearview mirror as an air freshener. Draped there, Nixin discovered he could wag his tail outside thru the sunroof. a good smelling tail wagging trip home for all

QUOTE OF THE DAY TRIVIA

"We need more Lemon Pledge"

                Who Said It?

A. Dominique Strauss-Kahn (Frenchman)                                                                             
B. Consuela the housekeeper (Family Guy-'09)
C. Franck Ribery (Frenchman)
D. Cyril Wecht  (Zombiehunter)


Get the right answer and maybe win a prize! Workin on it, i swear!

sometimes a half is as good as a hole?

AMERICA ROCKS! Not because of the right  to vote, the electoral college kinda fries the purest form of that concept-America is the greatest country in the world because of bumper stickers. Little Clowey make Student of the Week @ Our Lady of Blessed Ambivilance? In America you can share that pride with everyone sitting behind you at the light. IS your dog as smart as my 5th grader? The ass-end of your car states it, so it must be so! An informal survey of bumper stickers in the Pgh area has approx. 9 out of 10 enjoying the outer banks. OBX     It doesn't represent Omega Beta Chi, it represents drunk yinzers running amok in sand. Such a thing SHOULD be proclaimed!   Another frequent stickersighting is that of the little oval car stickers that have the number 26.2 in the middle. As someone who spent 4 years of high school gym class inventing and perfecting excuses to not run, It took a couple stickersightings to click the vinyl printed message with the brain reading it: Marathon runner/26.2 miles-you're cooler than me and have already run in one day more than I will run in the remaining time I have on your planet. 26.2 miles of running is a wonderful feat, one I will never be forced to achieve because I HAVE A CAR. I'm in it now reading stickers! Feeling hot, sweaty, and gross during your travels? Swampbutt slowing ya down? When it happens, runners look for hydration stations; guys like me look for drive-thrus. The 26.2 stickers are always on the back of something cool AND/OR P.C. Think Prius Hybrid or Tricked out red X-Terra...Earlier this week I saw a sticker I couldn't come to terms with emotionally or logically. and i tried, oh, how i tried!..13.1. The sticker had the number 13.1 in the center-as in a half-maration. Really? Half? We were a nation that celebrated the first African-American President in it's history by creating the Obama Chia Pet!! Proud times! Now we've decided half is enough? What's happening!? Are we trumpeting a 50% completion rate now as a nation? The stickers say so! Come to America! Celebrate the concept of Halfassery! "How many lugnuts you put back on the truck? Half? Good enough, cuz THIS IS AMERICA!" Cuz the stickers say so. *thud*boom*squish* U.S.A!

stuff i could be doing

hey. long time, hope all is good. an update on what be not up n chit. had 2 job interviews in the last 2 weeks. neither has called back. one job involved sharp things and the other  involved alcohol-neither historically connected to positive memories. The sharp object job interview involved math, historically where i bite it...the alcohol gig was flushed when the interview lady (lets call her Jan-cause her name was Jan) she asked me how to make a marguerita. i said it 20 years ago, and I'll say it today: the only thing more wasteful of tequila than a marguerita is a sorority pledge. (more on the bow heads later) anyway, apparently a marguerita DOESN'T contain absinthe OR a little umbrella. dont care if i spelled the name of the drink wrong-a DRINK drink shouldn't have the textural consistency of a Slush-ee.
    like all real men, been spending alot of time watching the manly reality tv shows; with every show a little voice in my head says "hey, maybe THAT'S the new career! we could do that!" crab fishing, coal mining, gold mining, tuna wrangling, junkyard picking, pawn shop running, all fleetingly brilliant ideas for employment...my knees and ankles sound like a box of snap-pops being dropped on my way to the bathroom every morning-sure i could handle 30 hours on a swaying boat - except for the fact i vomit when i drive BY Kennywood, crab fishing could be just the career and economic break i need.
gotta split, the cat's licking my hand, kinda creepy. (Iggi the cat, not Lesel the cat; thank you for asking-most people don't ask)       peace and love, ec

therapy and the confused man

hi. my name is eddy crow. unemployed pittsburgh radio person. (that looks TREMENDOUS in print)it has been suggested to me to begin a blog, to keep track of my thoughts and to have an outlet for creativity. this was suggested by a therapist i have begun to see on a weekly basis. (no it wasn't court ordered, good guess tho)
you're bright, no doubt you've noticed a lack of understanding and/or caring on my part about punctuation, grammar, blah blah blah. the reason: as a onetime english lit/creative writing skateboard to class college moron, i did it. i know how to diagram sentences, i have just reached the age now that i don't have to no more! grammar THIS, professor Honkus!   the information has been deleted from my brain, as the space was needed. in my wanna be charles bukowski literary youth i was so obsessed with grammar i used to have nightmares about the schoolhouse rock cartoons, the bill waiting to be a law would turn into a knife and chase me on the train. stunner, me being in therapy.
there will be more here as it comes to mind, please tell your e-friends, eddycrow.blogspot.com tell everyone you know, tell people you don't know-tell the crackhead that looks like david alan grier on Smithfield St.! eddycrow.blogspot.com  yell, good or bad-i print all your responses and take them to my weekly meeting. i get a gold star if there's enuff. we'll c rabbit. MUSICAL SIDENOTE: Playing guitar on Nyquil can cause the hi and low E strings to meld into an E squared string. approach with caution, pretty much the only option after Nyquil, so it works out.

btw-if you have a therapist appointment, and you take a lunchmate cooler with a papier mache' head of your mother inside it, don't open the cooler in the waiting room. another of those 'funny til you do it' things. the therapist says we're gonna work on that to. (see, the wrong version of 2, because i can!)

bbtw-YES, I STILL NEED A JOB!