HOT DOG FLAVORED POTATO CHIPS. YES, THE DREAM LIVES! at the store, in the chip aisle (hello old friends). making the bi-weekly Bugles-or-Funyuns argument in my head...at this moment, a dim green glow lit from the shelf to my left. a glance turned into a trance...the green glow grew brighter, and brighter still...the glow of the green shimmering bag of SHEARERS' RIPPLED HOME RUN HOT DOG FLAVORED POTATO CHIPS. the only edible word in the previous sentence is 'potato.' Got a vegetarian/junk food vibe workin? the dream product now exists. only in America! crappy food that tastes like DIFFERENT crappy food-ON PURPOSE! these are truly wonderous times we live in. *btw-zero grams of transfats, beetches! (truthcheck-i really don't know what transfats are. or do)
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
you're wrong about some sports, America!
sorry again about the delay between posts, but the Tour De France is on...No, I'm not joking in the slightest. please notice the time spent to capitalize the name of the event. It must be a big deal to me. it is. Moreso that France is involved; said it before and i'll say it to anyone that cares: don't like france. (notice the lack of capitalization) You don't think cycling is a sport? we'll get to that. Love bike riding...Love the race back before the Greg Lemond days; i go back to the jonathan Boyer days. (old dusty fart fx) For an American without cable, it was pretty damn difficult. there was a time my bike was worth twice the value of my car.
sidenote re: Lance Armstrong: he's still got the ace of having never been knowingly busted-and-he stuck it to the french 7 times over! I don't care if there's video of him shoving horse steriods up his butt while Cheryl Crow sings, I don't care if he came out tomorrow and said 'yep, i did it.' (sidenote: historically, 2 sports have been the frontrunners in performance-inhancing chemistry/track -and- wait for it.....Cycling)
where was I? oh right, Lance Armstrong can eat an entire Mexican Pharmacia on live tv, and i can only say one thing while watching: Hey france! Up yours, ya snail-eatin' surrender monkeys! The most famous frenchman to most Americans is Lebeau from Hogans Heros( nor relation to H.O.F. Dick Lebeau) Lance Armstrong lets me say that. God bless you Lance, God bless you.
Now, for those that think cycling isn't a sport, go out and get your bike out of the shed. Got it? Good.
go ahead and climb on...now ride from Pittsburgh to Erie. Add enough mountain so speeds of over 40 mph are reached right before you miss a turn, go through a ditch, and end up in the woods with a broken femur. Not a sport? After stage 8, Radio Shacks' Chris Horner was told he finished the stage. he finished the stage after sustaining a concussion and broken nose with from a crash with 23 miles remaining. His response? 'I finished?' The doctors wouldn't let Horne:r start Stage 9. Just as well; in addition to the broken femur, there were a few concussions, a broken shoulder, couple broken collarbones, broken wrist, several broken ribs.all in one day..Not a Sport?
Sport number 2: for all that claim soccer isn't a sport: as i sit and type this, i do so without my two front teeth. true, i wuz never a looker anyway, and the Deliverance look don't help. not to worry, the fake ones ah had whittled look reeel purty. why am i talking about my West Virginny Smile? the damage was done in a soccer game. SOCCER. Manly injury means Manly Sport.
In a case of chauvinistic irony: don't give a damn about the womens' world cup. lifes a quandry
sidenote re: Lance Armstrong: he's still got the ace of having never been knowingly busted-and-he stuck it to the french 7 times over! I don't care if there's video of him shoving horse steriods up his butt while Cheryl Crow sings, I don't care if he came out tomorrow and said 'yep, i did it.' (sidenote: historically, 2 sports have been the frontrunners in performance-inhancing chemistry/track -and- wait for it.....Cycling)
where was I? oh right, Lance Armstrong can eat an entire Mexican Pharmacia on live tv, and i can only say one thing while watching: Hey france! Up yours, ya snail-eatin' surrender monkeys! The most famous frenchman to most Americans is Lebeau from Hogans Heros( nor relation to H.O.F. Dick Lebeau) Lance Armstrong lets me say that. God bless you Lance, God bless you.
Now, for those that think cycling isn't a sport, go out and get your bike out of the shed. Got it? Good.
go ahead and climb on...now ride from Pittsburgh to Erie. Add enough mountain so speeds of over 40 mph are reached right before you miss a turn, go through a ditch, and end up in the woods with a broken femur. Not a sport? After stage 8, Radio Shacks' Chris Horner was told he finished the stage. he finished the stage after sustaining a concussion and broken nose with from a crash with 23 miles remaining. His response? 'I finished?' The doctors wouldn't let Horne:r start Stage 9. Just as well; in addition to the broken femur, there were a few concussions, a broken shoulder, couple broken collarbones, broken wrist, several broken ribs.all in one day..Not a Sport?
Sport number 2: for all that claim soccer isn't a sport: as i sit and type this, i do so without my two front teeth. true, i wuz never a looker anyway, and the Deliverance look don't help. not to worry, the fake ones ah had whittled look reeel purty. why am i talking about my West Virginny Smile? the damage was done in a soccer game. SOCCER. Manly injury means Manly Sport.
In a case of chauvinistic irony: don't give a damn about the womens' world cup. lifes a quandry
Saturday, July 2, 2011
commercials are fun
just saw a tv commercial that has America written all over it! If you (or a family member) have such a fat ass that your furniture is sagging, a brilliant piece of crap can help! FLAT PIECES OF PLASTIC (i'm sure they called it 'space age polimer' but i had the sound turned down so i cant confirm) You place the plastic slats between the cushion and frame of the sagging furniture in question. Crappy furniture is now good as new! Plastic lockable slats are now available to avoid either buying a new couch or putting down the fork, and I love everything about this. Everyone smells-so just cut off all the noses! My ass is massive-sturdy up the furniture! I pulled a muscle in my arm-don't put so much food on your fork. At one point in the commerical, they have two sumo wrestlers flop down on the couch to demonstrate the strength of the space age polimer, when they flop (and they DO flop), the words ONE THOUSAND POUNDS starts spinning around on the screen...no doubt a pleasant call from the casting director to the wrestling couch-manglers..."how fat are ya?" If you call now, the order of plastic slats is doubled. Better Hurry. the 2nd set of slats is free, just pay shipping and handling. Thats where they get ya.
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